Together we will look at Narcissists as they float in and out of our lives and hopefully find ways we can avoid the stumbling block and traps they put in place to trick us away for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
There are many different times when a Narcissist must be dealt with. Those who are in your immediate family, including spouses, people you work with, including the boss, church members, including the pastor. You cannot just walk away from these circumstances when difficult life situation complicate your escape. You need to be prepared to endure one second more and protect your soul for the pain that will be coming your way.
Narcissism has spread worldwide in our society today. It can be seen in every aspect of life from family members to your best friend, to the people on the street. It creeps into our own churches, families, and friends with its insidious growth of self-glorification. Psychologist and social commentator Twenge documents the self-focus of what she calls "Generation Me"--People born in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s--and explores why her generation is tolerant, confident, open-minded, and ambitious but also cynical, depressed, lonely, and anxious. (Twenge 2006).
Narcissists can be fun loving, the belle of the party, charming, even charismatic. They often surround themselves with people who are usually are low-keyed and even shy. They prefer to always have people surrounding them that will feed their self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. Their targeted people must always be complimenting, praising, and reminding the Narcissists they are the best at everything. Narcissists know they are special and that everything they do is more superior than anyone else. Their targets must always take the lower position behind the Narcissist. Narcissists play with emotions to keep the targets close and maintain control over them and are skilled at making them feel guilty or say things to make them doubt their own thought processes. Their targets are often trapped in trying to stay one step ahead of them and neglecting the expectations of the Lord Jesus Christ in these matters.
Friending Narcissists is exhausting. If Narcissists are successful in separating us from the love of Christ so much that we cannot feel his peace, then the Narcissists have won. Christians are taught and held together and exist for the love of Christ who died for all, that they which live should
not live unto themselves, but unto Jesus Christ because He died for us and rose again.
“14 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15 KJV).
It is only when the those in the Narcissists' presence can feel the peace that comes from loving and accepting Christ as their Savior that they can,
and only then, begin the healing from the inside out and repair the damage the Narcissists have done. Walking away from the Narcissists, those lovers of self, and reaching for the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ are when Christians can remove their faith and themselves from jeopardy that the Narcissists place them.
Narcissists pull themselves out of jeopardy without a perceived need for Christ. Narcissists believe they are superior to everyone and have a powerful sense of entitlement. It is because of their entitlement that they can manipulate and control others. They believe others should obey their wishes and that rules do not apply to them. and should only associate with other pretty people.
The Narcissists often believe they are more unique than other people and it is beneath them to associate with a “common” person who is not considered a pretty person. The Narcissist believe they deserve rewards and are often unhappy or resentful if they do not get the biggest prize
or accumulation.
Manipulative behavior is common trait of narcissism to control behavior. Narcissists will at first try to please their targets and impress them, but eventually, their own needs must always come first. They may try to keep people at a distance to keep them in control. They often exploit others to gain something for themselves. If you try to compete with a Narcissist, you will be very discouraged and become depressed without knowing why. The manipulator Narcissists will take everything their targets do and everything they accomplish and claim it was their accomplishment while turning the follower’s successes into worthless achievements making them insignificant.
When a Narcissists have needs they often do not ask for them. They manipulate to gain satisfaction of their needs. It might happen like this: “I just do not know what I am going to do. They have raised my rent, and I need to find an extra $100.00 to just make ends meet.” Then there is that dreaded pause while the Narcissist cries. Your response is: “I can probably give you $100.00 but only this once.” The Narcissist has the target where they want them feeling like a fool, insignificant, being manipulated again, as they watch the Narcissist walk away with the $100.00 in their pocket without even thanking them. The targets know they should have just walked away, telling them they have bills also, or they are sorry for their dilemma, but are not able to help. The only reason targets did not just walk away is that Narcissists are good at manipulating and know the best way to get what they want at the expense of others.
Narcissists do not like constructive criticism at all. Narcissists are like 2-year-old children who want what they want when they want it. Targets of Narcissists need to remember it is not their job to control the emotions or desires of a Narcissist. It is not their job to change the Narcissist, nor is it the obligation of the targets to watch their wording, or to make sure the Narcissist is happy. Just Walk Away! That is what 2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us to do. Walking away is extremely difficult, especially if the targets are responsible for the Narcissists' care.
Need for admiration are another common sign of Narcissists as they seem to constantly need for praise or admiration. Narcissists need validation and encouragement from others. They often brag or exaggerate their accomplishments for recognition. They like to feel appreciated to boost their ego. Narcissists cannot wait to tell others about their achievements even if it has nothing to do with what others are talking about. It
does not have to be true account and often it has more to do with the Narcissists boredom and need attention. For instance, if the victim of Narcissists attention had a wonderful experience in church Sunday that they want to share, the Narcissist will tell an old, revised story about a great accomplishment on the ski slopes when they saved the soul of an injured skier.
The Narcissists demand that others admire their appearance, accomplishments, skills, or existence. The admiration of others is what feeds the narcissist. “Isn’t it amazing how the color of this shirt sets off my eyes?” “My boss thinks I am the best worker and is going to make me Vice
President because I am so smart and easy to look at.” Boasting is second nature to narcissists, and compliments are typically recounted innumerable times to others as proof of their superiority. If the target has won an award for a promotion, the Narcissist has five awards for the same thing adding the target's promotion does not mean much. Targets learn quickly that Narcissists must have all the attention and admiration
because life if all about them. It would be great if the targets could occasionally share something about their accomplishments. When the controlled sharing of the targets is limited to silence and obedience to the narcissists, the targets must WALK AWAY!
Lack of empathy is also a common sign of narcissism. Narcissists are unwilling or unable to empathize with the needs, wants, or feelings of other people. This makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their own behavior. There cannot be deep, meaningful communication between Narcissists and their victims. Because Narcissists have little to no empathy, a honest, heartfelt communication would not be comprehended or understood by them. Sincere deep conversation would cause a simi-nuclear explosion by the Narcissists if this type of communication continues. An example of the lack of empathy would be: The target is going to have surgery but needs someone to meet them at the hospital until their family can arrive. The Narcissist says they cannot meet them because they need a nap. The victim is devastated and once again feels the distress of how unimportant and insignificant they are. This lack of empathy can hurt the victim's relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ at a time they need his love and caring the most, as unworthiness enters into the thought processes of sorrow.
Surgery is a time when a patient needs to be surrounded by positive, loving, and caring people. Not a Narcissist who is so pathic they are not capable of loving or caring for their targets. Targets that can shut out the Narcissist will be better off than one who is forced to listen to their spewing day in and day out. Walking Away without comment is still the best way to endure a Narcissists arrogance. It is common to hear Narcissists relay to anyone who will listen that they have no filter with their mouth. It is "just the way they are." The Narcissist become rude or abusive when they do not receive the treatment, they think they deserve. They may speak or act rudely, disrespectfully, offensively vulgar, even tastelessly hurtful. It could look something like this: A Narcissist will always begin a rant by first reminding everyone “I am a good person! Everyone knows I do not have a filter and say whatever comes out of my mouth. If someone gets hurt feelings because I am honest with them then they should know better. I am a good honest person. Everyone who knows me knows that. ”
Preoccupied with power, beauty, and success, the Narcissist insisting they have the best of everything this shows their control over the people in their lives. The victim must always look flawlessly beautiful with a picture-perfect hair style, a pristine outfit, well-preserved makeup and always the best perfume or aftershave. It would not be uncommon for a Narcissist to call out a victim at a dinner party by saying something like, “you could be a pretty person if you bathed more and went to the hairdresser more often. We can wait for dinner if you would like to take a shower now. The clean towels are under the sink.” There would be no problem if the target wanted to Walk Away and go home. No one should be humiliated in that manner by anyone. It would not gain anything for the target to say anything.
When anyone disagrees with Narcissists or tries to defend themselves they will attack that anger. Narcissists believe they are always right and anyone disagreeing with them only gets the Narcissist’s wrath. Narcissists are liars. Lying is a way for Narcissists to hold tight to their grand self-view. This requires the Narcissists to lie about their achievements, experiences, and relationships. The LORD does not like liars:
“16 These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: 17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.” (Proverbs 6:16 -19 KJV).
In conclusion, it needs to be repeated that the only way to win over a Narcissist is to WALK AWAY. Narcissists do not care about how others feel. They want to be hurtful and do not care if they hurt someone or not. They make excuses that they have no filter, or what you see is what you get with Narcissists. Because the Narcissists focus only on their needs, they have no knowledge that the target has feelings also. It is impossible
to be around Narcissists for any period of time. It will not help targets to even try to explain why they are upset or what Narcissists are doing to them physically, mentally, or spiritually. Narcissists will never be sincerely happy with anyone.
Narcissists will become jealous when the targets are happy or something good has happened to them . Narcissists will use sadness of past failures to bring attention back to them. When Narcissists become upset, they hold a grudge that can last thirty years, even when no one else remembers what started the grudge.
One thing can be said about Narcissists, they can switch the blame on others like most people change hats. This makes for a very shallow relationship with others. They focus on what others can do for them, not on building genuine relationships with others. This makes their relationships one-sided and empty.
Because Narcissists are never wrong, they never have to apologize for anything; it is always someone else’s fault. If targets must live with Narcissists, it is imperative they understand it is the Narcissists that are out of touch with reality. The problem lies with the Narcissists and not with the targets. The targets must ignore the guilt trips and the finger pointing. Once the targets understand the drama and toxicity is real and comes from Narcissists then they can gain peace and find the strength to endure and just Walk Away. Don’t forget:
“This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5 KJV).
Reference
Twenge, Jean M. (April 4, 2006). “Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and More Miserable Than Ever Before”. New York. Free Press. ISBN-13: 978-0- 7432-7697-9